Three Poems

A Self Portrait at 19

Loss is the only thing that comes to mind.

I’m coming to terms with life

And it fucking sucks.

I feel as though I’m constantly angry

Screaming into a void that only takes

leaving me numb

And reminding me how alone I am.

I long for the days where I woke up and knew love was real

And that people were made for each other.

My days are now filled with emptiness

Knowing that I wasn’t enough.

The man that I thought would be with me forever

Now walks to the other side of the street

Just to avoid eye contact.

I stay up at night wondering

‘Did I ever mean anything to him?’

And deep down I know the answer

But I’m scared to admit it.

I know from the way he shared our secrets with complete strangers

And how he isolated me from my friends

All because the burn of liquor

Feels too familiar to the absence of his father.

Looking back, every reassuring comment feels like a facade.

And the pain of knowing every promise,

Every hope,

Every memory

Is now a distant image of what could have been.

It is like a fatal blow.

The wind getting knocked out of me

Replacing the breath he once took away.

The mirror is my worst enemy

I try and avoid them

Knowing I won’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

And no matter how long I look

What I see will never be reality.

The hunger pangs that ring out feel more like a hug

Then a sign to go eat.

I know I’m getting worse again

But I don’t care enough to try.

I hate to admit that the farther my hip bones jut out

The better I feel about myself.

The less space I take up

The more room I leave for someone better

Someone more deserving of the space I no longer fill.

It’s hard not to be angry.

I know that it isn’t going to be like this forever.

But fuck

19 feels like a cruel joke.

I long for the days when I was a kid

When my only worry was which episode of SpongeBob my grandma would put on.

Now I sit and hold her hand watching those same episodes

The comforting scent of peach tea and cigarettes

Is replaced with the searing medicinal smell of a hospital.

Her smile that once radiated like sunlight

Is covered by a mask,

And the laughter that once filled her life

Is replaced with the gentle beep of a dialysis machine

Like the world’s worst metronome

Reminding me that life is short and cruel.

And no matter how much of a good person you are

You aren’t different from anyone else.

We all come into the world covered in shit and crying

And somewhere along the way, we believe we’re immune to life’s hardships.

Somehow it’s comforting to think that.

Everyone is going through something

And really nobody knows what they’re doing.

We all just roll with the punches

Waiting for life’s next knockout.

When a Soul Calls

Blackness fills the dark cave

No matter where I turn

All that there is

Is nothing.

No color

No noise

Nobody else but me.

I’m lost within the unknown

Alone, and afraid

With nothing but the sound of my racing heart

And the blood pumping through my ears

To fill the ringing silence that consumes me.

Until a distant cry cuts through the silence,

Like a warm knife through butter.

This noise takes hold of me,

As if it were possessing me to follow

Hesitantly, I step through the cave.

The silence that once seemed so loud

Has turned into a cacophony of noise

Between my footsteps,

Labored breaths

And the growing sound of a stranger’s screams.

As I approach closer the darkness slowly lifts.

From blackness, I can see the outlines of the cave walls

The smooth, dark stones have an almost reflective quality to them

And as the light begins to shine brighter I can see myself in them,

But the girl in their reflection is much younger than I.

With each step, she gets older, more mature

I watch her blossom from a child into a young woman.

The shriek grows louder the older she becomes

With each step forward,

Her smooth features begin to crease

And her back begins to arch

But a gentle smile still plays upon her lips.

Her spirit unbreakable

Even as she ages.

Silence.

The light is almost unbearable now

And the dirt ground I had become so familiar with

Shifts to lush grass.

The stone wall ends

And there is a garden before me.

Within the bright-colored flowers

There lies the young girl from the cave.

Her body is thin,

And her pale arms are tattooed with bruises.

She lifts her head to reveal

Her sunken cheeks are stained with tears.

She reaches a feeble hand out to me,

And I cannot help but walk closer.

And with each step, she becomes clearer.

Her eyes are dark and tired

And her hands,

God, her hands.

Her long, thin fingers tremble

And her red knuckles

Seemed so delicate

As if they would break at the slightest touch.

And as I take hold of them

They are like ice.

But no part of me wants to let go as I sit before her.

Once I sit I can do nothing but stare into her eyes.

They look so familiar

But I can’t quite place where I knew them from.

My thoughts are interrupted by the girl before me

As she embraces me in a tight hug

And begins to sob.

No words come out of her mouth

And even I can think of nothing to say

Until the girl manages to choke out the words,

“I’m just so tired”.

I squeeze her close

And memories begin to flood my head

Every rejection,

Every drug

Every heartbreak

Me and her experienced together.

And I quickly remember her eyes,

They’re mine.

The way they become an almost piercing green

When wet with tears,

And how the center remains a dark brown.

They’re the eyes I’ve carried with me my whole life.

I know why she’s tired

How could she not be?

How could she have been bore to so many

Just to be broken

Over

And over

And over again.

How could men who have claimed to love us

Decide that our consent was not worth asking for?

How could friends

Who have claimed to be there for us

Disappear at the slightest inconvenience?

How could family

Who have claimed to know us better than anyone

Not notice when we are at our worst?

I feel a hot tear roll down my cheek

And all I can say to her is

“I am too”

A Self Portrait at 21

Happiness is the first thing that comes to mind.

I see the life ahead of me

And it’s fucking beautiful.

I’m not angry anymore

I no longer need to scream

In order to feel heard.

Even on my worst days

I know I am not alone.

I wake up every morning knowing that love is real

And that people are made for each other.

My days are now filled with warmth

Knowing that I am enough.

The man I wake up to each morning

Squeezes me tightly to his chest

And kisses the back of my head.

We stay up all night talking,

Laughing until tears stream down my cheeks

And there isn’t a doubt in my mind

That this is the man I’m going to spend my life with.

I knew from the first time I looked at him

I saw our life within his eyes

And I felt like I was coming home.

Looking back, I would relive every pain

Every tear

Every second that I was in agony

Because it’s what led me to him.

I would do it all again

So he could breathe life back into me

I would do it all again

Because the wait was worth it.

He is worth it.

I don’t always love the mirror

But I no longer try to avoid them.

I know the girl staring back at me

She is no longer a stranger

She has frizzy hair

And a crooked nose.

She still has acne

And fine lines

But she has the face of her mother

And how could that be ugly?

The hunger pangs that ring out

Are familiar

But have dulled.

Now, they are a reminder that

My hipbones don’t need to jut out

My ribs don’t need to show

To feel better about myself.

I deserve to take up space

Because I don’t need to be perfect

To feel worthy of happiness.

It was hard not to be angry.

I knew that it wasn’t going to be like that forever.

But fuck

19 felt like a cruel joke

And also the most distant of memories.

I hated my life at 19

The minutes bled into hours

And the hours into days.

I was clawing myself from a hole

That I took part in digging.

But at 21

God, at 21

Life couldn’t feel more different.

This new life that I live is mine.

It isn’t perfect

But it is mine

And I am proud to say

That I live it for me.

Because my life didn’t end when I was 19